Why I Write

The other night there was a big shindig that I help to organize. I am not much into parties but I can understand their purpose and how others enjoy them. I always think of my daughter's (from a teacher originally) definition of introvert/extrovert. An introvert is someone who draws their energy from being alone and an extrovert draws their energy from being with other people. I am definitely an introvert and parties seem to drain me of energy. Anyway, I was glad to have some good conversations with people I hardly ever see.

The evening seemed to epitomize a problem I am having right now. People show me no respect. I am not just talking about strangers in lines at the post office, I am talking about friends, colleagues and even family. And I am not talking about compliments and deferential treatment, I am talking about common courtesy and understanding. People just chop away at my self esteem little by little or because of my various "jobs," force me to submit to others who put me down in the small and quiet ways to exult themselves.

So I now have to ask myself, "What do I do that causes this behavior?" Do I treat others without respect? Am I too passive? Do I make myself a victim? Perhaps more importantly, how can I change? These answers may come in a future blog for now I am still digesting the information.

This is why I love children's books (I include YA in that category) because as wrong as everything seems in chapter one or five, by the end, the character has worked it out, has learned, there is still hope. Of course, there are exceptions and I don't have to have a happy ending, but most books for kids end with at least hope. Okay, not Cormier's I am the Cheese.

When I write I feel like if my characters can stay true to themselves and do what they think is right, there is still hope. I can't write it any other way. It also helps me imagine what these people who attack me are thinking, why they act this way. Writing helps me understand. It doesn't make it easier to take, I still want to change something about my life right now, but for those few hours I get to order the world. I get to make problems and watch my characters save themselves. I can describe the injustice of it all in a way that exposes the ridiculousness of life, the unfairness, the stupidity. It is why I like Jane Austen, I guess. Contrary to all advice and practical judgement her heroines hold out against the pressure to do what is against their conscience.

One to escape and one take me back to reality.

I am rereading Thornyhold by Mary Stewart right now. It was recommended by Meg Cabot--not a personal friend unfortunately, it was on her website or something. Anyway, it is an old book and has the feel of a Rebecca. A gentle Gothic romance. I rarely reread books but sometimes it is nice to know where you are going and anticipate the turns.

I am also listening to Marcello in the Real World by Francisco X. Stork. I like the exploration of someone with--to simplify--Asberger's Syndrome. Unfortunately, I find it a bit predictable although I am not done so perhaps there are still some surprises ahead. I hope so. I find myself wondering about the depiction of Marcello. I know two people diagnosed with Asbergers. One that has been through some special educational instruction and one who was mainstreamed. I wish they had some of the resources that Marcello has or that their conditions were as mild as his seems to be.

I'm in the tree house.

This was done before vacation. It is interesting to me that there is a completely different feel to this perilous place than to the one I posted yesterday (done on vacation). It is a different medium of course but still this feels more Twilight Zone than Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, to me.

Inexplicable

Nightmare on Elm Street

Why is this a perilous place? Because it is going to be torn down any day now.

This does not have to do with children's books and illustration directly. It is more about preservation, recycling and waste. To me, however, there is a link to some of the things I like to rant about--building, destroying, creativity, imagination. You see this house is a part of my dreams and wishes, and now physically it will be gone.

Here is my story. I live in the tear-down capital of the United States. Mostly, it is pretty depressing what they replace the houses with. This has been my favorite house for as long as I can remember. I sort of latched on to it in my imagination and I dreamed about one day living there. For some reason, even as a little kid, I had always dreamed of living in a house with a history. Not that this one has a specific story--I can always supply the story part.

I go by this house every day. Mostly, while walking to and from school with my children. It is a saving grace that my son just graduated from his elementary because I won't be forced to pass it this year. Once, I noticed the front door was open and I ventured up on the porch and rang the bell, just to tell the gentleman who lived there how much I liked his house. No one ever came to the door but from what I could see from the porch, I realized the house was too nice for me. It was elegant and welcoming and beautifully furnished. I am a make do, fix it up, garage sale type. Still, it was something I aspired to.

Unfortunately, when it went up for sale, the price made it out of the question for us. I was able to go through it during the open house. I hoped it was too beautiful to tear down. I was wrong.

So my kids and I went up and drew it. It is not a very good drawing. I will attempt a better but for now I wanted to post it so that somewhere it still exists. I always feel at odds with the values of the town I live in, but now I really wonder what I am doing living here. I used to think that the friction caused me to think and inspired me, but today I am just saddened by it. I look at everyone in the down town and they are like aliens. I guess I am the alien. An alien with a broken space ship since because of family, children, and resources, I am stuck here for a while.

Rockville in Fennville

Are You a Builder or a Destroyer.

It's been a while since my little Mo Willems tirade-not against Mo, of course. Spring, which is always crazy, gave way to summer and nothing seemed to slow down this year. Until Fennville. We went to Michigan for a week with my husband's family.
The house we rented had a little beach and there, I was able to continue my perilous pursuits. I had just finished a set of revisions on a novel, and while my daughter read my book aloud to me, my son collected rocks and I began piling them up. It was a distracted little activity in homage to Andy Goldsworthy in the beginning, but it grew. After a couple of days, I realized I was getting a little compulsive, and that it was really an extension of the tippy, crazy buildings I draw. My children began to help build and we searched for stones together. It was lovely.
I knew that it was a temporary "installation" but I imagined that the weather would topple it and the sand would bury it, even the water might wash in around them. Without really realizing it, in my imagination, it was all a part of the little rock city's history.
Two days before we left, someone with large feet wearing shoes, destroyed the whole thing. If they hadn't, I might not have realized how attached to it I was. It just seemed so senseless, and unnecessary.

Here are two things that it made me think of:
1. Why was I so invested in this creation?
2. What is it that makes people want to ruin things? Here was something that had nothing to do with this person. They could destroy it, so they did. Why?

It reminds me of children when they build something as tall as possible, because they can't wait to knock it down. We are all creators and destroyers inside, and all the time we are choosing which to be. Like, in kindergarten, I remember doing finger painting. I could never leave it be. The slippery paper and squishy paint felt too good. I would make a picture and then smoosh it and make another. The impulse is there. But I never smooshed someone else's painting.

Maybe the teetering piles of rocks defying nature and gravity was just too tempting. However, going forward, if I am ever tempted to destroy some one's work, I will remember all the bad karma that goes with it. Believe me, it's a lot.

By the way, thanks to the kind neighbor who took photos and gave them to me on our last day. It was a really lovely souvenir of our week.

Rock City