The other night there was a big shindig that I help to organize. I am not much into parties but I can understand their purpose and how others enjoy them. I always think of my daughter's (from a teacher originally) definition of introvert/extrovert. An introvert is someone who draws their energy from being alone and an extrovert draws their energy from being with other people. I am definitely an introvert and parties seem to drain me of energy. Anyway, I was glad to have some good conversations with people I hardly ever see.
The evening seemed to epitomize a problem I am having right now. People show me no respect. I am not just talking about strangers in lines at the post office, I am talking about friends, colleagues and even family. And I am not talking about compliments and deferential treatment, I am talking about common courtesy and understanding. People just chop away at my self esteem little by little or because of my various "jobs," force me to submit to others who put me down in the small and quiet ways to exult themselves.
So I now have to ask myself, "What do I do that causes this behavior?" Do I treat others without respect? Am I too passive? Do I make myself a victim? Perhaps more importantly, how can I change? These answers may come in a future blog for now I am still digesting the information.
This is why I love children's books (I include YA in that category) because as wrong as everything seems in chapter one or five, by the end, the character has worked it out, has learned, there is still hope. Of course, there are exceptions and I don't have to have a happy ending, but most books for kids end with at least hope. Okay, not Cormier's I am the Cheese.
When I write I feel like if my characters can stay true to themselves and do what they think is right, there is still hope. I can't write it any other way. It also helps me imagine what these people who attack me are thinking, why they act this way. Writing helps me understand. It doesn't make it easier to take, I still want to change something about my life right now, but for those few hours I get to order the world. I get to make problems and watch my characters save themselves. I can describe the injustice of it all in a way that exposes the ridiculousness of life, the unfairness, the stupidity. It is why I like Jane Austen, I guess. Contrary to all advice and practical judgement her heroines hold out against the pressure to do what is against their conscience.
